In the Shadow of Phantoms
by Tazmy
Summary: Tag to Phantoms. Each must bear their own pain. Mostly Carson and Rodney.


_A/N: This is a tag for Phantoms. It also has spoilers for Trinity, Sateda, and a mention for McKay and Mrs. Miller. Thanks to Sholio for the quick beta!  
_

_In the Shadow of Phantoms_

_By Tazmy (sgatazmy on livejournal)_

I'm going to be honest with you. Getting shot hurts. Yes, I know it was only a graze and that I'll be fine, but you're missing the point. Getting shot, whether or not it penetrates, really sucks. What's worse, is the split-second it takes to watch your trusted friend raise his gun and fire at you without hesitation. Can you believe that? Sheppard fired at me. Point blank. If Teyla hadn't pushed that gun away...Well, let's just say that I don't want to think about it and leave it there.

So here I am, lying on this godforsaken planet, watching as Carson stitches my wound. I'm not sure what happened to Sheppard, but he doesn't seem okay either, even if I can't find any injuries on him. His face when he ran out here to see if I was okay, to see that he had been the one that injured me--well, it's not an expression I see too often. Sheppard scared. Sheppard full-out showing that he is scared and that he is worried about me. I don't know. Something about a vulnerable, exhausted Sheppard just doesn't sit right with me.

Teyla took care of my bandaging, sending Sheppard to find Beckett. No one kew where he went, if he was okay. That made me scared.

But now the four of us are here along with the soldier guy who hasn't managed to die yet. Beckett was wrong before about his wounds, and I'm assured the poor fool will live. Me? I'm told I'll be okay, but I'd feel better if my blood had chosen to stay inside the body. It hurts. It really freaking hurts. Not as bad as having an arrow in my ass, but the pain is definitely up there.

So why am I not complaining about it? "You shot me!" I say for about the hundredth time. Sheppard looks flustered and hurt... I keep speaking anyway because otherwise I'll complain about the pain and that won't make him feel much better. I hate pain. Have I mentioned that yet?

"Just go to sleep, Rodney."

Carson's loaded me with all kinds of medicine. It numbs the physical pain, and I decide maybe Sheppard has the right idea. Rocks poke my back and my injury burns, but still I fall asleep.

Carson watches over Teyla and myself in the infirmary. Teyla's leg required surgery and word is she won't be able to walk well for a while. Me? Just a graze, but apparently that even comes with complications. My ribs are bruised, the wound's infected, and I feel like shit. I'd be telling everyone how much this sucks if it weren't for the fact that I keep drifting off to sleep before I get a chance.

"Rodney." Carson takes a seat by my bed, rubbing his hands through his hair and looking more exhausted than I've ever seen him. Part of me wonders if he should go back to Earth, maybe find some happiness there. Pegasus has done nothing good for this man.

"Sheppard owes me lots of chocolate. And coffee."

"Aye. I'm sure you'll be playing the guilt card on him for a while to come."

There's something distant in Carson's eyes. He sits there, staring out and I'm for once at a loss for words. I may not know what happened to Sheppard, but I was there to see what happened to Carson. Me? I relived Doranda. Him? He watched people die. Over and over. Kind of makes me look like a petty fool, doesn't it? A planet taps into all of our fears, and all I fear is losing my ego. What would Rod say about that?

"Look...I..." God I suck at this crap. "You going to be okay?"

"No, Rodney. I don't think any of us are going to be for a while."

"No. I suppose not."

Silence. I hate silence. I usually try to fill it in whenever it dares rear its ugly head, but I just can't seem to grasp that bit right now.

"I owe you an apology."

Now I was most definitely not expecting that. "I'm sorry? What?"

"Back when we went for Ronon on Sateda...I was unfair to you. I said some things that seemed right at the time, but...You do care, Rodney. You are a good person. You shouldn't let anyone tell you any different."

What? "Yes, well, we already know that I'm a genius that has saves the lives of everyone here many times over. Of course that makes me..."

"I mean it, Rodney. I saw how you comforted the soldier while you were carrying him. How you hallucinated failure after failure of trying to save our lives. How you didn't complain about the pain after you were shot. There's a whole side of you that I don't get to see too often, but it is there. I'm sorry for forgetting that."

I try to sit up in the bed, but well, bullet graze with nasty infection. I stick to lying down, but find his arm with my hand. "Don't forget, Carson. You're a good person to." I know I sound awkward when I say it, and I make no excuses for why this might be, but at least I say it. Carson needs to hear it. His haunted eyes catch mine and I'm afraid he might cry. We need to force him on vacation and the sooner the better. Maybe I'll go with him.

"That's what I keep telling myself anyway. Good night, Rodney."

He stands to leave, but I don't let go of his arm. It just doesn't feel over yet. "Whatever happened back on that planet, it wasn't your fault. You did what you could. I know it's not the easiest thing to live with, but well...Maybe we can start a Pegasus support group. We can all meet in round table discussions and complain about how Pegasus killed our favorite puppy." I'm smiling now, but he's not reacting well to my sarcasm. Damn. Wrong tactic.

"I very well may have killed a man today by sheer negligence."

"No. You saved a man today."

"Good night, Rodney."

I still haven't let go. I need him to understand, but he doesn't seem to get it. Not at all. "Look, if you're not going to listen to anything else I say, just hear me out on this, okay? You're not alone. I know that sometimes it feels like it, and I know it's a lot to bear right now, but...well...You're not alone."

He looks at me again. His expression is still haunted, but now there is something else there. I smile half-heartedly. He shrugs.

"Thanks, Rodney. I appreciate that."

I believe him, so I let go. As he disappears my head falls against the pillow. That was one messed up mission, any idiot could see that. And me? If only I hadn't hallucinated, I could have stopped it all right as it began. Put in that light, the pain from a gunshot wound isn't so bad after all.

Fin


End file.
